I am thinking of writing a book about "How to safely leave the house when there are clearly a lot of morons about".
Chaper 1 will be about how to make the experience of Safeway car park an empowering one by reminding yourself that these people cant help it. If they didn't force their massive 4x4 into a 'compact' space then how else will they feel a sense of achievement?
Chapter 2 will help you overcome the rage felt at the "15 items or less" checkout when you are stood behind the smug arsehole couple with over 40 tins of cat food and food goods totaling $191.92.
Chapter 3 will help create an inner 'catchphrase', or 'mantra' to help in any situation. Mine is "Breathe Mrs Catface". I simply repeat it to myself in such times mentioned in Chapters 1+2. Of course its backed up by the "scowl" which is a more visible show of disgust.
I am sure as the holidays continue, the rest of the chapters will write themselves. I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Friday, October 18, 2013
Safety Day
Today was 'Safety Day' at work.
This meant that we were visited by the local Earthquake Kit man and his band of informative, but mostly deaf helpers. Many Kits to look at and discuss.
My favorite station however was the Fireman. There were 4 of them sat at a table with leaflets on how to keep safe and keep your pets safe. Now, this was a must to visit. I go in confidently with Camille as my wingman, and browse the table for the leaflets...
Me: "ooh Camille here's one for keeping your cats safe....giggle giggle"..(or something probably equally as sophisticated).
Hottest Fireman of them all: "Oooh I love your sparkly ring, so adaroable! ..And great nails too"
Me (outer voice):" Oh thanks, yes its my favorite!"
Me (Inner voice): "For fuck sake.....REALLY?"
Welcome to my life folks. Yes. This is it.
This meant that we were visited by the local Earthquake Kit man and his band of informative, but mostly deaf helpers. Many Kits to look at and discuss.
My favorite station however was the Fireman. There were 4 of them sat at a table with leaflets on how to keep safe and keep your pets safe. Now, this was a must to visit. I go in confidently with Camille as my wingman, and browse the table for the leaflets...
Me: "ooh Camille here's one for keeping your cats safe....giggle giggle"..(or something probably equally as sophisticated).
Hottest Fireman of them all: "Oooh I love your sparkly ring, so adaroable! ..And great nails too"
Me (outer voice):" Oh thanks, yes its my favorite!"
Me (Inner voice): "For fuck sake.....REALLY?"
Welcome to my life folks. Yes. This is it.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Hiss like a Cat
Sometimes, swearing isn't enough and I just want to hiss at people like cats do. Cats have no issue doing this, and I think I should be able to do it too and not worry about it.
I don't want to grow fur, eat frogs, or dig holes and poo in them, I just want to hiss at idiots. Its really not much to ask.
I don't want to grow fur, eat frogs, or dig holes and poo in them, I just want to hiss at idiots. Its really not much to ask.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Car Twin
I suddenly remembered today, that a few weeks ago I had experienced my first ever 'Car Twin Wave', and not celebrated it in any way. So, I thought I'd write about it here.
A 'Car Twin Wave' is where someone with the same car as you, and the same color, becomes very excited to see you and bursts into a fit of spontaneous waving. Sometimes a honk of the horn is in order.
It happened to me in the petrol station. I was at the pump when an identical Fiat 500 pulled in and the lady driver did a big enthusiastic wave and a smile. I couldnt help but smile and wave back.
Good Times.
A 'Car Twin Wave' is where someone with the same car as you, and the same color, becomes very excited to see you and bursts into a fit of spontaneous waving. Sometimes a honk of the horn is in order.
It happened to me in the petrol station. I was at the pump when an identical Fiat 500 pulled in and the lady driver did a big enthusiastic wave and a smile. I couldnt help but smile and wave back.
Good Times.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Laundry Night
Tonight is laundry night. Good times.
Its so much fun doing laundry here in the states in apartment buildings. There's usually a dark room in the basement with washing machines, and everyone sneaks in there and fills the machines with their dirty pants (that means trousers here), trying to avoid awkward conversations with neighbors they do not want to see.
I enjoy doing the laundry and fear it in equal measures. My antisocial 0.009% of me dreads the potential bumping into neighbors scenario - especially when I am dressed in an outfit that should never be witnessed by ANYONE. I get my laundry basket ready within the safety of my apartment, select the detergent balls I need, along with full downy balls. I grab the necessary amount of quarters and carefully open my front door.
Off I run down the stairs with excitement and trepidation.
I then pretend I am on a game show and I have to fill both machines (one with colors and one with whites) as quickly as I can, select the correct setting, shut the lids, and enter the quarters, and run for my life.
Then there is round two. The collection of the laundry. Its done with the speed and fear of ninja chased by snakes.
Wish me luck this evening!!
Its so much fun doing laundry here in the states in apartment buildings. There's usually a dark room in the basement with washing machines, and everyone sneaks in there and fills the machines with their dirty pants (that means trousers here), trying to avoid awkward conversations with neighbors they do not want to see.
I enjoy doing the laundry and fear it in equal measures. My antisocial 0.009% of me dreads the potential bumping into neighbors scenario - especially when I am dressed in an outfit that should never be witnessed by ANYONE. I get my laundry basket ready within the safety of my apartment, select the detergent balls I need, along with full downy balls. I grab the necessary amount of quarters and carefully open my front door.
Off I run down the stairs with excitement and trepidation.
I then pretend I am on a game show and I have to fill both machines (one with colors and one with whites) as quickly as I can, select the correct setting, shut the lids, and enter the quarters, and run for my life.
Then there is round two. The collection of the laundry. Its done with the speed and fear of ninja chased by snakes.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Ants in my Pants
Ever since I started juicing, I cant sit still. Its like I have ants in my pants.
I am now better than ever at multi-tasking. I get home from work, visit the supermarket, come home and begin my detox duties. Juicing, cooking and even baking my own soda bread. I know, its crazy!!!
Although this evening, I started one task, then another, and then another, spinning about the place not quite completing anything.
I think I've had too many greens!!
ANTS IN MY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am now better than ever at multi-tasking. I get home from work, visit the supermarket, come home and begin my detox duties. Juicing, cooking and even baking my own soda bread. I know, its crazy!!!
Although this evening, I started one task, then another, and then another, spinning about the place not quite completing anything.
I think I've had too many greens!!
ANTS IN MY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 6, 2013
Dreams
Just lately my dreams have been really mundane.
In last nights dream I was in a hotel lobby trying to get the attention of the receptionist. This went on for a while, and then when he finally asked me if he could help, I simply asked if he had any rooms available. I woke up before he could answer, so I have no idea if there were any room available.
So dull.
A few nights ago I dream't that I had had my hair cut. I woke up before the stylist had finished drying it. And the night before that, I was in the bath and couldn't get my toes clean.
I think that since The Walking Dead finished, and I am no longer dreaming in Post-Apocalyptic scenario's, life has taken on a more sedate straight forward turn. I am not sure I like it.
If only I had a kitten.
In last nights dream I was in a hotel lobby trying to get the attention of the receptionist. This went on for a while, and then when he finally asked me if he could help, I simply asked if he had any rooms available. I woke up before he could answer, so I have no idea if there were any room available.
So dull.
A few nights ago I dream't that I had had my hair cut. I woke up before the stylist had finished drying it. And the night before that, I was in the bath and couldn't get my toes clean.
I think that since The Walking Dead finished, and I am no longer dreaming in Post-Apocalyptic scenario's, life has taken on a more sedate straight forward turn. I am not sure I like it.
If only I had a kitten.
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