Writing a book

I am thinking of writing a book about "How to safely leave the house when there are clearly a lot of morons about".

Chaper 1 will be about how to make the experience of Safeway car park an empowering one by reminding yourself that these people cant help it. If they didn't force their massive 4x4 into a 'compact' space then how else will they feel a sense of achievement?

Chapter 2 will help you overcome the rage felt at the "15 items or less" checkout when you are stood behind the smug arsehole couple with over 40 tins of cat food and food goods totaling $191.92.

Chapter 3 will help create an inner 'catchphrase', or 'mantra' to help in any situation. Mine is "Breathe Mrs Catface". I simply repeat it to myself in such times mentioned in Chapters 1+2. Of course its backed up by the "scowl" which is a more visible show of disgust.

I am sure as the holidays continue, the rest of the chapters will write themselves. I'll keep you posted.

Safety Day

Today was 'Safety Day' at work.

This meant that we were visited by the local Earthquake Kit man and his band of informative, but mostly deaf helpers. Many Kits to look at and discuss.

My favorite station however was the Fireman. There were 4 of them sat at a table with leaflets on how to keep safe and keep your pets safe. Now, this was a must to visit. I go in confidently with Camille as my wingman, and browse the table for the leaflets...

Me: "ooh Camille here's one for keeping your cats safe....giggle giggle"..(or something probably equally as sophisticated).

Hottest Fireman of them all:  "Oooh I love your sparkly ring, so adaroable! ..And great nails too"

Me (outer voice):" Oh thanks, yes its my favorite!"
Me (Inner voice): "For fuck sake.....REALLY?"


Welcome to my life folks. Yes. This is it.

Hiss like a Cat

Sometimes, swearing isn't enough and I just want to hiss at people like cats do. Cats have no issue doing this, and I think I should be able to do it too and not worry about it.

I don't want to grow fur, eat frogs, or dig holes and poo in them, I just want to hiss at idiots. Its really not much to ask.

Car Twin

I suddenly remembered today, that a few weeks ago I had experienced my first ever 'Car Twin Wave', and not celebrated it in any way. So, I thought I'd write about it here.

A 'Car Twin Wave' is where someone with the same car as you, and the same color, becomes very excited to see you and bursts into a fit of spontaneous waving. Sometimes a honk of the horn is in order.

It happened to me in the petrol station. I was at the pump when an identical Fiat 500 pulled in and the lady driver did a big enthusiastic wave and a smile. I couldnt help but smile and wave back.

Good Times.

Laundry Night

Tonight is laundry night. Good times.

Its so much fun doing laundry here in the states in apartment buildings. There's usually a dark room in the basement with washing machines, and everyone sneaks in there and fills the machines with their dirty pants (that means trousers here), trying to avoid awkward conversations with neighbors they do not want to see.

I enjoy doing the laundry and fear it in equal measures. My antisocial 0.009% of me dreads the potential bumping into neighbors scenario - especially when I am dressed in an outfit that should never be witnessed by ANYONE. I get my laundry basket ready within the safety of my apartment,  select the detergent balls I need, along with full downy balls. I grab the necessary amount of quarters and carefully open my front door.

Off I run down the stairs with excitement and trepidation.

I then pretend I am on a game show and I have to fill both machines (one with colors and one with whites) as quickly as I can, select the correct setting, shut the lids, and enter the quarters, and run for my life.

Then there is round two. The collection of the laundry. Its done with the speed and fear of ninja chased by snakes.

Wish me luck this evening!!

Ants in my Pants

Ever since I started juicing, I cant sit still. Its like I have ants in my pants.

I am now better than ever at multi-tasking. I get home from work, visit the supermarket, come home and begin my detox duties. Juicing, cooking and even baking my own soda bread. I know, its crazy!!!

Although this evening, I started one task, then another, and then another, spinning about the place not quite completing anything.

I think I've had too many greens!!

ANTS IN MY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dreams

Just lately my dreams have been really mundane.

In last nights dream I was in a hotel lobby trying to get the attention of the receptionist. This went on for a while, and then when he finally asked me if he could help, I simply asked if he had any rooms available. I woke up before he could answer, so I have no idea if there were any room available.
So dull.

A few nights ago I dream't that I had had my hair cut. I woke up before the stylist had finished drying it. And the night before that, I was in the bath and couldn't get my toes clean.

I think that since The Walking Dead finished, and I am no longer dreaming in Post-Apocalyptic scenario's, life has taken on a more sedate straight forward turn. I am not sure I like it.

If only I had a kitten.

Juicing

I have bought a juicer. Its an attempt to get more vitamins into my pale ginger face.
The past couple of weekends I have gone a little bit mad on the vino fizz, and had horrific hangovers that have impaired lovely sunny California days...
Fun times in the making but not the recovering.

So its healthy Pepper-time!!

Goodbye drunken catface...

And hello Mrs Healthy McJuggernaughts......

Talking to myself

I am getting a bit worried about how much I talk to myself.

I was in Safeway this evening, when I became aware of myself asking myself where the rice cakes had moved to. I dont know why I asked myself this because I dont actually know - because I dont work there, and I didnt move them.

I found them, but while I continued my search, I realized that loads of other people were also talking to themselves too. It was great fun wandering the aisles looking for people doing it.

One lady was even doing a little 'I need a wee' shuffle and humming.


I really dont want to turn into 'The crazy old lady'.

Online Dating

I have recently joined online dating. Its depressing.

The main thing I find utterly bewildering are men's profile photo's. They're extraordinary. Absolutely amazing choices made by ALL OF THEM. Not just the creepy bastards, but all of them. I think girls spend a lot of time selecting their best pictures. They have to be the right angle, the right light, the right outfit etc. But not men. No.

The men have a main photo that one if not all of the following include:

1. They are wearing sunglasses
2. They are far way, in sunglasses
3. They are in total shadow and appear as just a sihlouette
4. The are very serious
5. They are posing by a window, looking out into a mysterious land.
6. They are doing a self portrait in the bathroom mirror. (I am more interested in the background decor and beauty products in these ones)
7. They look like they just shit themselves.

Once you get passed the main photo, you then get about 20 photo's of their vacations from the last 10 years (because they love camping, the outdoors and travel etc).
Once you get passed the holiday snaps, if they have a pet you can be rest assured that old 'Ace' the 'hilarious, loving and friendly' golden retriever is in a few!

Then you read the profile. It tells me what they are looking for in a woman. She must be beautiful within, as well as a real head turner on the outside. She must be just as comfortable in her jeans as she is in high heels and a little black dress (in whatever scenario they are imagining themselves taking her to where she walks in the room and heads turn).
My worry is that this beauty must be maintained during the camping, travelling and other outdoor persuits too, but thats just me, who tends to look like an electrocuted spaniel after one nights camping.

When she is not reading, working out at the gym keeping fit (because keeping fit is very important),   saving the world or brushing her long golden hair,  she must have a sense of humor.

So, I was having a rant about this to my friends Camille and Brian today, and Brian pointed out that men would be far better off putting up photos of themselves doing things that would be more appealing to women.

I think he is onto something with this! He also mentioned riding dinosaurs, which I'd appreciate, but not sure the majority of women would consider this a benefit in Mr Right.